Love Through Tears
by LunaticCrimsonAngel
Summary: Slash. Don't like, don't read. As this is my first fanfic, criticise to help me improve. Sirius and Remus are deeply in love with eachother, but will they ever confess their feelings? After all, to be loved, one must first accept oneself... A bit angsty


Sirius leaned on the stone windowsill of the dormitory, looking out into the night sky. The moon was nearly full, and was only partially visible through the heavy November clouds. Its pale light illuminated the knife he held in his right hand. In some way, it seemed oddly fitting, he thought. No one would have ever thought that he, ladies' man of Hogwarts, who was reputed to live from one shag to the next, would ever be truly in love. No one would have even dared guess that this love would be so intense that it would make him tear his flesh apart, quite literally. And no one in their sane mind or out of it, would have even briefly supposed that this love would be for his friend and fellow Marauder, Remus Lupin.

As he moved the blade almost mechanically against his forearm, savouring the pain and letting it fill every corner of his mind, he tried to forget everything. It was almost like being drunk, although he now rarely drank with his friends, afraid of what a bottle of Firewhiskey might make him say."Coward," he thought bitterly, as he pushed the knife deeper still, "you're always the one who people think is brave, but really, you're afraid of the truth just like the dog you are."

He was so absorbed in his activity that he didn't hear the soft footsteps behind him. As luck would have it, it was exactly the last person who he wanted to see him crying. "Sirius? What are you-" Remus trailed off, seeing the blood on his arm. He looked quite shocked. Sirius supposed that he was certainly not a very nice sight at this moment. With a decisive move, Remus took the knife from his friend and threw it out the window. A muffled scream informed them that the Mandrakes which their Herbology professor had left outside the greenhouse had been the unfortunate target. Next, he siphoned the blood from the windowledge and Sirius' arm with a muttered "_Evanesco_". "We need to talk. Right now." he said in a tone which was thoroughly unlike him. "I don't quite see why," Sirius replied, attempting to avoid Remus' questioning glare. "Now that you've cleaned up this mess, I think I'll just go back to bed. It is past midnight after all, and we have to be rested up for class, don't we Moony?". He tried to smile and just laugh the matter off, but his smile looked more like some strange contortion of his facial muscles, and the laugh was decidedly forced. He could see the worry in his friend's eyes, and stunning eyes they were too - in the semi-darkness, they appeared to glow with their own amber light. Of course, being himself, he didn't press Sirius for more answers, although that may have been quite simply because the dark-haired boy emphasised his point by laying down on his bed and drawing the curtains.

Remus also flopped onto his bed, tears in his eyes. Try as he might, the sight of Sirius' bleeding arm and pain-filled eyes would not leave his mind. Come to think of it, Sirius' eyes did not often leave his mind... but that was another matter entirely, not to mention a lost cause.

He was utterly confused by the events of the last few minutes - if Sirius, one of the toughest people he knew, had been crying (he was trying to force himself not to think "and cutting"), something had to be seriously wrong. After all, he had seen him shrug off things which would probably have reduced anyone else to tears, expulsion from his family included. But on the other hand, if he really was so distraught, why was he avoiding Remus? The young werewolf had always been the Marauder to whom the other three turned in times of trouble. It made no sense. A quick look at his watch told him that despite Sirius' claims of needing to rest for class (the following day was a Saturday), he really should be getting some sleep. However, as soon as his eyes closed, he knew - if one can know things when in that strange place between sleep and waking - that the night would not be a restful one at all. Could any werewolf sleep peacefully five nights before the full moon?

_"No!" he screamed, but he knew that it was too late. As he shattered the door of the Shrieking Shack, the supposedly haunted house in Hogsmeade which served him as a hideaway each full moon, he knew that the wolf had already taken control. Horrendously enough, he was completely conscious of his actions, though powerless against them. He could only watch helplessly as his alter-ego (for he refused to call it a part of himself) sniffed the night air, hoping to catch the scent of human meat. He knew that his friends were safe, if they were in Animagi form they would soon join him... perhaps together they would be able to bring sense to that awful beast which had taken hostage of his body._

_Suddenly, the wolf leaped, tackling something which he sincerely hoped wasn't human. Fighting the creature for control of his senses, he saw that it was indeed human... and not only that, it was one of his best friends, Peter Pettigrew. "No!" he screamed again, though he knew that nothing he could do would change anything. With claws as sharp as daggers, he slashed Peter's throat, the boy's head turned to a grotesque angle. He was powerless, trapped inside this bloodthirsty creature. Nearly blinded with his grief and self-loathing, he almost didn't register as the wolf pounced again. This time its prey was James Potter. He saw the terror in his eyes, right before life looked through them no more. If Remus had been human, he would have comitted suicide then and there, but as it was, he could only suffer the agony of knowing that he had taken the lives of two of his best friends that night. "Please... in the name of all that is holy... please, don't let it be Sirius next, please!" he yelled, though no sooner had the words crossed his mind than he saw Sirius. He knew what would happen now, though he fought with all of his human heart against it being so. "Not Sirius...", he thought, "Anyone but Sirius... I couldn't live without him..." With a snarl, the wolf turned towards the dark-haired boy. "NO!" Remus screamed with all the power he possessed, but it wasn't enough._

Remus awoke, breathing heavily. His bedsheets were drenched with sweat. James was standing beside his bed, looking tired and confused, yet worried for his friend. "Is everything alright? You screamed, so I thought something might have happened..." he said, barely concealing a yawn. Remus could see the first rays of the morning sun through the window, he guessed it might be around five o'clock. "Nah, just a nightmare, I'm fine really." he said with a weak smile. "Sorry to have woken you up", he added. As he looked to his left and saw Sirius' still sleeping form on the bed next to his, he remembered the past evening. Seeing Padfoot in such a state hurt even more than that terrible dream. Dreams weren't real, after all.

James, reassured that all was well, walked drowsily over to his bed and flopped onto it as though he had been knocked out. Remus, however, couldn't get back to sleep. He got up as silently as he could, and praying that no one would wake up soon, made his way over to Sirius' bed. He sat on the very edge of it, not wanting the young wizard to wake up. He couldn't help but notice how adorable Sirius was when he was sleeping - his chin-length black hair was wonderfully messy, though not in the careful, practiced way that James' was. He could definately see why his friend was popular with the girls. Hell, he was more than popular - Valentine's Day was getting a bit predictable. He was sure that somewhere in that vast sea of admirers there would be a girl who Sirius would be happy with, and it broke his heart. "Not that you'd ever have even the slightest of chances with him", a nasty, though truthful voice in his head said, "If there is one straight guy in all of Hogwarts, it's him.". Remus gave a barely audible sigh. Well, if that was the way things had to be, then all he could do was be there for Sirius whenever he needed a friend.

It wasn't until he had setttled into a slightly more comfortable position on the bed that he realised how little he had slept that night. Suddenly, he was as sleepy as though his limbs were made of lead, and the two-metre walk to his own bed seemed a very big challenge. He hoped that Sirius wouldn't mind.


End file.
